Ate reduced fat cheese on low calorie bread and my taste buds had me indicted for hate crimes.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
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Someone hash-tagged “share the love,” and I read it as “shave the love.” I thought, yeah, I can get on board with that.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
My note that my mom found…
She hung it on the fridge for at least six months after I wrote it at 8-9yrs old.
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I’m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I’m talking about
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
I’m like a kid. People like me best when I’m quiet or sleeping.