@thedadvocate01

Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.

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@girlontapas

Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”

My oldest bra can smoke now.

@mommajessiec

Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!

1yo: *walking*

Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!

6yo: *riding two-wheeler*

Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!

16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*

@JohnLyonTweets

Fortune teller: Your love life will–

Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?

@itsWillyFerrell

Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”

@BradBroaddus

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

@mister_blank

executioner: you may choose your punishment

me: peppermint

executioner: no, like a weapon

me: oh. spearmint

@TheAndrewNadeau

her: have i been a bad girl?

me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.

@sweetg35

If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.

@bigdumbbrad

I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.