@thedadvocate01

Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.

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@lilgapeach30

Ate reduced fat cheese on low calorie bread and my taste buds had me indicted for hate crimes.

@MarkTConard

Someone hash-tagged “share the love,” and I read it as “shave the love.” I thought, yeah, I can get on board with that.

@OtherDanOBrien

[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip

@donni

The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose

@acakes421

My note that my mom found…
She hung it on the fridge for at least six months after I wrote it at 8-9yrs old.

@misfarber

I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I’m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I’m talking about

@Mom_Overboard

[during sex]

Him: punish me, baby

me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*

Him: wait, stop

me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you

Him: *dies*

@EndhooS

[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!

@PeteBlackburn

Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP

Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.

Biden: