Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
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RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal