*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
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Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?