*Hiring an electrician

Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord

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If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.


yeah well i hope you go to put your hair in a ponytail but the hair tie is too loose to hold it & not big enough to tie it another time


They say honey is good for you when you’re sick

I’m dipping my fried chicken strips in it and I do feel less stabby


Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.

Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.


The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.


“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward


*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*


I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.