@litfirebird

Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?

Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.

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@3sunzzz

“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.

@jamieleefinch

“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.

@TommyKarate

I’m no genius but I’m pretty sure Mexicans with anxiety have Hispanic attacks.

@sarcasm_inc

[a spider watching soccer when someone kicks a ball into the net] hell yeah, now eat it

@BuckyIsotope

I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door

@ambamthankyamam

Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.

@mommajessiec

*looks at 4 children*

“You leave me no choice.”

*eats last 3 cookies*