@caustically
Discuss
@litfirebird
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
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@caustically
@LeonEarlgrey
The guy who created Virgin airlines probably didnt go to high school otherwise he would have called it “shes probably lying airlines”.
@sonictyrant
Girls with pigtails really freak me out, i cant help wondering what they did with the rest of the pig
@MsFoxIfUrNasty
Often when swimming I still cross ankles and try to mermaid kick. Then I swim up to a random guy and sing to him until he calls security.
@DontTouchMyWine
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
@clichedout
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
@tsm560
I don’t know if this day is tantamount to the worst day of my life because I don’t know what tantamount means.
@joejwest
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
@mrtiredeyes
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
@NoTheOtherJohn
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too