Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
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if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.