@DurtMcHurtt
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
@litfirebird
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
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@DurtMcHurtt
@TheIronSherk
My stages of drunk:
1) onstage
2) backstage
3) hostage
@3sunzzz
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
@jamieleefinch
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
@Ad_Inifinitum
IT WANT DIE
@TommyKarate
I’m no genius but I’m pretty sure Mexicans with anxiety have Hispanic attacks.
@sarcasm_inc
[a spider watching soccer when someone kicks a ball into the net] hell yeah, now eat it
@BuckyIsotope
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
@ambamthankyamam
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
@mommajessiec
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*