@litfirebird

Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?

Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.

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@LeonEarlgrey

The guy who created Virgin airlines probably didnt go to high school otherwise he would have called it “shes probably lying airlines”.

@sonictyrant

Girls with pigtails really freak me out, i cant help wondering what they did with the rest of the pig

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

Often when swimming I still cross ankles and try to mermaid kick. Then I swim up to a random guy and sing to him until he calls security.

@DontTouchMyWine

It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.

@clichedout

her: i’m going to a concert

me: to see who

her: Bad English

me: sorry, to see whom

@tsm560

I don’t know if this day is tantamount to the worst day of my life because I don’t know what tantamount means.

@joejwest

[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it

@NoTheOtherJohn

I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too