His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
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My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …