@CantWaitToNap

His best quality?

His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.

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@JaySaysStuff

Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.

@dumbbeezie

How to handle a one night stand the next morning

1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it

@Staggfilms

A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.

@AndrewNadeau0

I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.

@Jenn_H_Scott

Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave

@carlyken

Every Political Ad Ever:

I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*

@DaddyJew

Her: have you had the sex talk with our son yet?

Me: *looks over at son wearing crocs* I think we can wait a few years

@EmberToAsh

Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.

@G_Faylor

I crash my car. Hundreds of pairs of clean underwear instantly spill from my glove box protecting me from harm.