His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
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I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.