His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
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If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Thinking about Jeff
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.