“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
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Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
translated into Canadian
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*