“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
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Guy who likes music
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
FRED: right
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!