His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
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When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”