His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
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me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash