his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
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my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
scenes of unspeakable carnage
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
hmm conte-me mais
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.