How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
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My Ex? Yea I’d still hit that………WITH A CAR
this is uni
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
“How’s the wine?”
*sips, swills, spits*
“Wow it’s got too much body.”
“Sorry, I should have evicted the tenants first.”
There are pants in the bathroom trash can at work, so someone is having a worse day than you.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
My mind: “Today was a productive day.” My body: “Please don’t drink 11 cups of coffee again.”…
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!