HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century

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I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.


I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.


[therapist] what seems to be the problem?
[her] he only hears what he wants to hear. It’s awful
[me] oh my god yes, I would love a waffle


What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus


Refrigerator ice dispensers are perfect for those times when you need either zero or 5000 ice cubes.


[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.

[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.


DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making

ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS


On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.


No, actually I hate gambling, that’s why the dice on my shirt are on fire. If I see someone start to gamble I’ll burn up his gambling dice.


My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.