Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
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We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for