HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
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5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.