Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
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December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Is….Is this an option?
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.