Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
You Might Also Like
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.