Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@SICKOFWOLVES

MOVING IS AWESOME

I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE

OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL

@ArfMeasures

Me: How did my surgery go

Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear

Me:

Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off

@Rinola_

Bomboclaat-

@WarningPuzzle

*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer

@VerbsRProudest

I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)

@coryrichardson_

[at wife’s office party]

wife: don’t show anybody your tattoo of ratatouille

me: [to her boss, immediately] wanna see my ratattooie

@NippleAdam

I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.

@Megatronic13

[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]

Me: are you breaking up with me?!

Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?

Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me

Demon: why are you this way

@hansabumsadaisy

#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.

@jumpdashark

My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.