Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
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Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Can’t. Being lazy.