[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
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Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
couldn’t resist
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
I wish this was real life…