@Reverend_Scott

[history class in 2069]

TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?

ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.

TEACHER: correct

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@robfee

If the ESPN Fantasy Football app were slower and unreliable it would be playing quarterback for the Bears.

@Gott_Partikel

Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.

@VapingSonic

Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding

Me: I- I gotta know

Cashier: know what?

Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.

scan me

@hiitsmolly

all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone

@capnwatsisname

“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.

@chuuew

ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?

DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego

@roboticcrab

God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT

Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*

@Parkerlawyer

I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.

@Birdhumms

Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.

Body: Ten more minutes then.