[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
You Might Also Like
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Ugh but profoundly
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.