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“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”

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That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”


If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.


So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.


Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.


Interviewer: who are these people with you?

Me: My squad.

My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.


How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, no matter what they are, yell out
“Oh come on. Even I’ve done THAT!”


Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.


My two levels of drunk are 1) dancing with fat chicks at the club 2) smashing my neighbor’s window thinking I locked myself out of my house.


A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.