@GinRumMe

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“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”

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@brunopieroni

That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”

@caseytduncan

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.

@MomOnFire

So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.

@Dwarven_Cleric

Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.

@BoogTweets

Interviewer: who are these people with you?

Me: My squad.

My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.

@sixfootcandy

How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, no matter what they are, yell out
“Oh come on. Even I’ve done THAT!”

@geekysteven

Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.

@XLCadillac

My two levels of drunk are 1) dancing with fat chicks at the club 2) smashing my neighbor’s window thinking I locked myself out of my house.

@causticbob

A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.