history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
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My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado