Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
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If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
…..pretty much.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny