History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
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Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.