Siri is the only girl that answers my questions without having to ask why..
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
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Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Him: You’re amazing! I’m having a great time!
Me: I will fight you for the rest of this pizza.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Even scarier than seeing a shark fin in the water is seeing a lion mane, because you know the chase isn’t over once you reach land.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark