Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
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My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.