Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.

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just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock


The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.


When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.


Do you have any motivational books?

Yeah, they’re in the back.

(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?


If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.


Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.


There’s a job in the paper for a park litter attendant. Experience is not necessary, you just pick it up as you go along.


My name is
My name is
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”


So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?


KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: damn ur good