Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
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*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
seems like a niche market
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Lucky for them, they’re cute