*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
You Might Also Like
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.