*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*

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[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea


Salvador Dali’s body was once exhumed because of a paternity suit. I didn’t know they made those, but if it was so important, they shouldn’t have buried him in it.


Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them


Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.


Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do


My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.


[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*


ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world



[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me


“Do you know why I pulled you over?”

“Was I speeding?”

“No. Because you have a pony tail.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Sir, you’re over 40.”