“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
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I always imagined saving the planet would involve a silver jumpsuit and a sidekick robot, not separating glass and paper.
Him: Ha! I got your ATM card.
Me: So? You’ll never guess my PIN.
Him: Is it 6969?
Me: Seriously dude, give it back.
In the early hours, the hoarse retching of a cat with a hairball. First one out of bed has to clean up. My bladder is empty. Bring it.
My mum laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
me: can you check my math homework?
me: is this not a correctional facility