Hitlers gonna hitl
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Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
That’s it.I’m out.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills