Hitlers gonna hitl
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Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.