hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
You Might Also Like
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.