@Sean_Burgundy_

Hitman: Hey what’s up

Me: My neighbor parked in front of my house again

Hitman: Hey what’s up

Me: My neighbor parked in front of my house again

- @Sean_Burgundy_

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@KentWGraham

I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.

@joshbupkes

that moment when football players come out of the locker room and realize they’re all wearing the same thing again

@thepunningman

[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!

@katlynmearns2

why did everyone play the recorder in primary school what were they training us for

@AmericanGent69

Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.

@Thedudish

My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.

@Sickayduh

In his defense, everyone sounds drunk when they say “I’m Shia LaBeouf”

@CornOnTheGoblin

scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit

@Brianhopecomedy

“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”

“Uhhh….why?”

“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”

“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”

@Playing_Dad

Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.