Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.

Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.

Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?

STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.

This sounds bad:

*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*

Han Solo: Who are you?

Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.

last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔

Best misinterpreted text ever!

*walks into Apple store

“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”

*walks out of Apple store

My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.

My funeral better have a fkn merch table

My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”

And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.

The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.

Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation

No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now

Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided

mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing

My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?

*checks Amazon*

I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue

Me: *getting struck by lightning*

Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?

I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.

[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*

Me: oh shit

Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*

[From Basement]: Oh shit

I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.

BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.

Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?

Me typing: univrsity

Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.

Me: Haha oops.

Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”

Me: Why would I say that?

Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

At what age should you put the tonsils back in

Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.

*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*

If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?