HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
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*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Mistakes were made
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over