Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
You Might Also Like
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.