I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
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6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron