@captainkalvis

[hits blunt]

how come i dont pee bubbles when i drink Sprite

[hits it again]

ah guess its ok, wouldn’t want a tingly dingus

You Might Also Like

@youssraxak

teacher: No eating in class

people sitting in the back of the classroom:

@riscfuture

Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”

@Elizasoul80

When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”

@mikassong

if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310

@copymama

No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.

@_alyssa0911

me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?

@kiiimdaaa

People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:

“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“