*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
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Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.