Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
You Might Also Like
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
The Book. The Movie.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad