Hits rock bottom.

*adds Geologist to resume

Hits rock bottom.

*adds Geologist to resume

- @HuajatollaChic

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6-year-old: Spill me some milk.

Me: You mean “pour.”

6: Not the way you do it.


[dinner date]

me: here, let me get the door for you

her: no I got it

me: ffs it’s MY microwave


I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead


Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.

Me: Are you serious?

Him: I shit you knot.


People say you can be anything you want to be.

That’s bullshit because I really want to be asleep


I’ll pronounce vegan “veegan”,

when vegetables become “veegetables”.


Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real


Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.


Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.

Him: It’s a police report.