DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
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Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
definitely did not do anything wrong
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.