*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
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Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.