*Hits Rock Bottom*

Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.

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brain: wake up

me: it’s 1:15 am

brain: pick up your phone

me: fine just for a minute

brain: lmao ok


Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.


Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.


Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!

-You mean pinched

[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]

It’s pinched?


I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.


COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan


ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist

LOUIS: uh, race car driver

ME: that too


Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.