@GianDoh

*Hits Rock Bottom*

Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.

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@mom_tho

brain: wake up

me: it’s 1:15 am

brain: pick up your phone

me: fine just for a minute

brain: lmao ok

@BrassBallsCJ

Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.

@LifeUnPinterest

Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.

@AndyAsAdjective

Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!

-You mean pinched

[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]

It’s pinched?

@TheBoydP

I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.

@ClichedOut

COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist

LOUIS: uh, race car driver

ME: that too

@OutNumbMother

Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.