Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
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Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
ME: Being a scientist is just asking questions. So, in a way, we’re all scientists.
ACTUAL SCIENTIST: No. Becoming a scientist requires years of-
ME: Looking up at the stars in wonderment. I hear you, respected peer.
A jury of my peers would just be 12 people who hate that they had to get up before noon.