[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
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My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
anyone else like Italian cereal
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Traveler’s camo
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.