[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
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Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME