It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
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Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I feel this so hard
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Breaking news:
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.