@jazmasta

[hitting on hot babe in bar]
“.. You’re 28? NO WAY! I used to be 28! This is spooky. You like oxygen? OMG you’re not gonna believe this..”

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@CheeseDaydreams

My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.

Me: Wow, you two really like comedy

Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?

Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?

@copymama

5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.

@zachreinert03

finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid

@TheCatWhisprer

I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.

@rockymomax

[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out

@AmberTozer

If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally

@ClichedOut

Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.

Me: I wish for unlimited genies.

Genie: Son of a

@NotLikeFreddy

WRITER FRIEND: I’m stuck on this plot point
ME: tell me more
WRITER FRIEND: *gives me a summary*
ME: h—
WRITER FRIEND: OH SHIT I JUST FIGURED OUT EVERYTHING

@majoleaguetweet

Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!