If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
You Might Also Like
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.