@CoopSoSarc

Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.

Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.

- @CoopSoSarc

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@lazerdoov

Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”

*cop starts helping*

@Ygrene

[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane

@MoistPork

Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.

@DivorceDad

I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.

@JediGigi

Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.

@KingRainhead

i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it

@Ryanfc706

I hate when I smile at a stranger and they don’t smile back… I’m using my face muscles for you, you little shit.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

🎶 You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I’m telling you why. Life gets worse when you’re an adult. 🎶