Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.
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Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!
Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.
You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
I’m calling them Accused Murder Hornets until I hear their side the story.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
If you feel like you’re going through a rough patch, just remember that it only lasts through adulthood.