Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
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Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.