Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.

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Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?


An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.


My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.

In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”


You said No DMs, but you didn’t say anything about stopping by.

Anyways I’m at the door.


My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.


“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing


If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.


There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.


I can’t believe these kids at this lemonade stand expect me to provide my own vodka.


ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe

HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy

PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed