If a murderer wanted to lure me out of my room all he’d have to do is turn off my wifi cause sure as shit i’m gonna see why it aint working
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
You Might Also Like
Son, there’s only one thing in life to fear.
[Car full of bears with machine guns drives by]
Son, there are only two things in life to fear.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
There’s no toilet paper in this stall so I guess I live here now.
I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not an actor.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled