@Mom_Overboard

Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.

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@OfficialBanks93

If a murderer wanted to lure me out of my room all he’d have to do is turn off my wifi cause sure as shit i’m gonna see why it aint working

@theroneman

Son, there’s only one thing in life to fear.
[Car full of bears with machine guns drives by]
Son, there are only two things in life to fear.

@Miss_MI_Kay

If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up

@13spencer

I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.

@motrboatr

There’s no toilet paper in this stall so I guess I live here now.

@supermarkusa

I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not an actor.

@humanaaron

me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into

prison guard: no talking after lights out

@benharnett

I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.

@ArfMeasures

ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled