[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
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HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Whoever has my voodoo doll must just be continuously feeding it.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Today’s assignment: pay it backwards.
Tell the person in front of you that they’re paying for your shit.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Are you okay?
Did you take your cold medicine?
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say