hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
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“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Netflix and you sit over there.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast