@onlxn

hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING

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@rockymomax

[baby finally falls asleep]

ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax

DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON

@dafloydsta

[date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.

@chuuew

a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe

@bngzyface

Whoever has my voodoo doll must just be continuously feeding it.

@XplodingUnicorn

Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.

God: No problem.

Moses: But since you can make anything-

God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.

@TheMichaelRock

Today’s assignment: pay it backwards.

Tell the person in front of you that they’re paying for your shit.

@TheThomason

Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”

@HiddenPinky

“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers

@aveuaskew

Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions

@CocoJr

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say