They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Hm, want to use firecrackers but not wake the neighbors. I know, I’ll light the firecrackers inside a container! Like this megaphone here!
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Me: “Relax. Make conversation, let them get to know you.”
Also Me: “The longest tape worm ever found inside a human body was 82′ in length.”
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Victorian Era YouTube comments
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.