@walks_on_legs

Hm, want to use firecrackers but not wake the neighbors. I know, I’ll light the firecrackers inside a container! Like this megaphone here!

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@daemonic3

They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

@ixix82

Me: “Relax. Make conversation, let them get to know you.”
Also Me: “The longest tape worm ever found inside a human body was 82′ in length.”

@JPLFR80

Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.

@TheBoydP

I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…

@Tbone7219

I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

@thetits

FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit

ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids

FRIEND: no it’s the best

@KielyHealey

How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”

@stevevsninjas

-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!

Victorian Era YouTube comments

@JohnLyonTweets

Cashier: Big weekend plans?

Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.

@Gupton68

Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.