I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
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Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.