Hm, want to use firecrackers but not wake the neighbors. I know, I’ll light the firecrackers inside a container! Like this megaphone here!

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My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.


i would like it if batmans ears folded down when he got sad


I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.


I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.


Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough.


Superman: I’m my own worst enemy.

Lex Luthor: oh. That’s nice. I’m literally standing right here.


friend: where have you been all day

me: hunting shapeshifters

friend: maybe it’s time to turn in

me: [narrows eyes] turn into what


Don’t forget to check your backseat for murderers! Haha! No, but seriously bring me a coke it’s hot in here.