@walks_on_legs

Hm, want to use firecrackers but not wake the neighbors. I know, I’ll light the firecrackers inside a container! Like this megaphone here!

You Might Also Like

@JustMeTurtle

My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.

@nickmullen

i would like it if batmans ears folded down when he got sad

@Breadery

I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.

@SkippyMcGizzard

I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.

@TCKMed

Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough.

@hazelmotes1

Superman: I’m my own worst enemy.

Lex Luthor: oh. That’s nice. I’m literally standing right here.

@climaxximus

friend: where have you been all day

me: hunting shapeshifters

friend: maybe it’s time to turn in

me: [narrows eyes] turn into what

@mishakey

Don’t forget to check your backseat for murderers! Haha! No, but seriously bring me a coke it’s hot in here.