Hm, want to use firecrackers but not wake the neighbors. I know, I’ll light the firecrackers inside a container! Like this megaphone here!

You Might Also Like


They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?


Me: “Relax. Make conversation, let them get to know you.”
Also Me: “The longest tape worm ever found inside a human body was 82′ in length.”


Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.


I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…


I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.


FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit

ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids

FRIEND: no it’s the best


How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”



Victorian Era YouTube comments


Cashier: Big weekend plans?

Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.


Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.